Christopher Tiller
On Writing
BEN
Excerpts taken from chapters: Draft form
Chapter one
The Comfort of Sleep
I should get up but can’t. Can’t feel much - only this cold floor against my cheek. Some people, they say you see a bright light, that your life flashes in front of your eyes. There’s no bright light, no memories of past stuff, so that means I’m not dying. Right! I’m not, can’t be, ‘cos I’m just a kid an’ kids don’t die, not like this. They just don’t. I’ll be alright. Just need to rest some.
This was gonna be the last ever. I’d said never again and meant it. How many times had I said that, but this time I would’ve made enough, you know, enough to go home. A one way ticket to Maine, that’s what he promised.
It’s strange how everyday sounds can mean nothing. They’re just noises, stuff I hear all the time, think nothing of. But now, this moment, these sounds, well they’re kinda like music, amazing beautiful music, kinda like an orchestra with colours, bright colours painting the walls.
It all sorta feels okay, like nothin’ much matters now. Maybe it’s ‘cos I’m so sleepy. Maybe ‘cos nothin’ hurts. My hand’s covered in red, sure it’s my blood. Should try to get up, check it out, check out my belly ‘cos that’s where he punched me. I can see my fingers moving, painting lines in red… sorta looks nice, red on grey.
Earlier when I came in here, with him, I felt cold, ‘cos tonight it was and shouldn’t’ve been, ‘cos it’s a heat wave… Well, now I don’t feel cold, but sorta warm, comfortable. I wanna sleep, gotta sleep, ‘cos it’s okay to.
…
If I ever told, I’d be taken away. If I ever told, Mum’d go to prison. That’s what she said. I’d never tell, ‘cos I wasn’t sure what I shouldn’t’ve said anyways. So I didn’t tell anythin’ to anyone about Mum. We were moving again, ‘cos of Jazz. Jazz was one of my dads. He liked to tie Mum up and make me watch while he did stuff. The first few times I just sat there, on the end of the bed, ‘cos I had to. I’d narrow my eyes and make it all blurry and try and make it all sorta go away. But I couldn’t stop the noises. I’d hum stuff in my head, like Denis by Blondie or Rat Trap by The Boomtown Rats ‘cos they were my favourites. He wanted to tie me up but Mum wouldn’t let him. She said he was sick wanting to do that to an eight year old, and yeh, I guess he was. Anyways, that’s why we moved, ‘cos of Jazz.
Mum said we’d go to Maine. It’s in America and where my uncle lives. I badly wanted to go ‘cos I knew Disney World was there. I didn’t know at the time that it was like hundreds of miles away. But the thought of going was exciting ‘cos everyone on TV came from there. I could meet them maybe one day. We moved from South Hampton to Kent. Mum said it’s the place to be ‘cos it’s near London and near the sea. But it wasn’t America, so I didn’t wanna go.
The flat was on the twelfth floor, and the sea was like a hundred miles away from Maidstone. So it wasn’t near at all. Nor was it close to London, though I wasn’t bothered about London.
I got another dad. His name was Roger and he was a truck driver. He wanted Mum to move into his flat but Mum wouldn’t. She said if we did, he’d eventually fuck us off and we’d be homeless. No way was she gonna give up our flat. I liked Roger ‘cos out of all my dads he was the best. He took me to Cumbria for the weekend and I stayed with his Mum and Dad while he took Mum to Scotland or somewhere. I liked being there. They bought me stuff like pyjamas, clothes and toys, and though I missed Mum after five days, I sorta didn’t wanna leave. When they got back, he rowed with his dad ‘cos of the time he’d been gone, and I never went there again. Roger stayed with us for about six months. I’d ask from time to time if I could go see Nan and Granddad. Mum said they weren’t my blood and I couldn’t call them that. She said they didn’t give a shit about me, nor did Roger. I guess she was right.
I can’t remember my real grandparents, then I wouldn’t ‘cos I’d never met them, not that I know of anyways. They kicked Mum out when she was fifteen ‘cos she got pregnant with my elder brother and they couldn’t cope with her shit. Then Mum changes her story, like there’s two or three versions. Sometimes she’d say she left ‘cos they were too strict an’ stuff. I wonder what they’d be like… If they’d be like Roger’s parents.
Chapter Two
My Brother Pete
My brother’s going to borstal, ‘cos when you keep doing bad things the police take you away and you get locked up. Mum said if I don’t do as I’m told, they’ll come for me and lock me up too. I’m gonna be seven tomorrow and as a treat, Mum’s gonna take me to see Pete. Mum said if I shit the bed again tonight, she’ll leave me there an’ I’ll never ever come home.
Pete got up from behind a table as I ran to him. Mum kissed his cheek and asked if he was ok. I tugged on his sleeve wanting him to look at me ‘cos I wanted to tell him it’s my birthday tomorrow. Mum stroked his face and Pete pulled back. I tugged again, tugged harder. He snatched away, looked annoyed, then carried on talking to Mum. He told her he was learning bricklaying, an’ when he gets out he’s gonna be a bricky an’ build Mum a house, ‘cos he’ll know how to. Mum said ‘you’re talking rubbish ‘cos you’ll only go back to your old ways when you get out.’
Pete looked at me, didn’t say anything for ages. Mum took out her fags. He picked at his nail; a piece fell on his leg, small and grey. ‘How’s Blizz?’
Blizz is Pete’s snake. It’s a corn snake and it eats mice. I shrug. He stops picking his nail. Mum’s looking across the room, puffing her fag.
‘What does that mean?’ He looked annoyed again.
‘He’s gone. He went an’ escaped.’
Pete stood up, putting hands to his head, and spun around. ‘What you mean he’s fuckin’ escaped? Mum! Where’s Blizz? ‘
Mum puffed on her fag loads of times, like she does when she ain’t got her medicine. ‘Like he said, the thing got out. I’ve got to live there with that creature roaming about. It could crawl in my bed or anything. I told you not to bring it home. Told you I didn’t want it anywhere near me.’
‘I told him to look after Blizz. I fuckin’ told him, Mum!’
A man came to the table telling Pete to calm himself and sit back down. He was a 'screw', that’s what Pete called them. I stared at the floor, knew Pete was looking at me.
My friend said if it didn’t get fed it was gonna die, ‘cos it hadn’t been fed in ages ‘cos Mum wouldn’t buy the dead mice to feed it with.
I got up and ran to the window pulling myself up on the ledge. Pete’s got a bad temper so it’s best I don’t sit there.
Medicine
It’s my birthday today. I get to do what I want. Mum’s had too much of her medicine again so she’ll sleep most of the day.
It was the best dream I’d ever had. I was flyin’, just like Superman. Could feel the wind an’ everythin’. Like really flyin’. Not that I’ve ever really flown or anythin’, or even been on a plane. But if you could fly, that’s just what it’d feel like.
Mum’s shaking me stopped it. I was doin’ somethin’ really good, I was, but when she woke me it all went away, apart from the flyin’ bit, that sorta stayed with me for days an’ days.
‘Get dressed.’
The light hurt my eyes, making me squint, making Mum look funny an’ fuzzy. She was shaking bad. She goes like that when she hasn’t had her medicine.
Go see Malc.’
Malc’s the man in the next street. He lives in the flat above the grocers an’ gives Mum her medicine. I don’t mind goin’ to him ‘cos he’s nice an’ he gives me sweets. He sometimes gets me doin’ jobs like takin’ stuff to other people an’ then I get money an’ more sweets. Sometimes the medicine makes Mum good an’ sometimes it makes her not good, like she gets mad at me for nothin’ an’ once she put me in the bath an’ held me under. Everythin’ went black an’ when I woke Mum was cryin’. She held me so hard it hurt. She made me promise not to tell ‘cos’ if I did we’d never be together ever again.
We’d made chicks at school. Yellow ones outa cotton wool. We made the beaks an’ eyes outa cardboard an’ the feet too. We put them in paper cups with white cotton an’ wrote HAPPY EASTER in big coloured felt. Mine was the best 'cos I made the beak jagged like a dinosaurs mouth. I ran home as fast as I could ‘cos I wanted to show Mum,’cos I made it just for her.
She was lyin’ on the floor in the kitchen. I’d seen her loads of times sleepin’ when I got home but this time she had stuff on her face, from her mouth. It smelled bad. I shook her, an’ usually when I do this she wakes or tells me to leave her alone. I shook her again an’ this time she didn’t wake.
I’m never to do 999. I’m never to tell a neighbour. That’s the ruling. Never ever. I’m to go to Malc. If Malc isn’t there, I’m to call either Gazza or Lucy. They’re Mum’s friends. They know what to do.
I ran as fast as I could. I ran an’ the stitch got me. I carried on half runnin’ an’ half walkin’ fast like.
Malc shoved me into the passenger side of the car then got into the driver’s side swearing an’ talkin’ stuff I didn’t understand. The car pulled away. I felt stuck to the seat; like glued to it.
‘Fuck sake.’
Malc grabs my shoulder, hard at first, then softer. He lets go to do the gear stick thing.
‘What the fuck’s she taken?’
The car makes a grindin’ noise an’ I’m glued to the seat again.
He gives me a shove. ‘Answer, Ben.’
‘Dunno. Was at school. Think she’s been sick.’
‘If it’s what I think she took, I told her to go fuckin’ steady with it. It’s to make you chill, you know. Take too much it fucks with you. Told her that.’
I’m told to wait in the car. The door slams making my ear sorta pop. Then it’s all quiet. From noisy to nothin’. The seat makes a creakin’ noise as I turn to watch Pete disappear through the door of our block of flats. I do as I’m told till I’m bored an’ Pete still hasn’t come down to say Mum’s ok now.
The lift feels like it’s gonna stick an’ stop an’ Mum worries about that a lot. She don’t like comin’ in here but I love it.
Our door pushes open as Pete hasn’t shut it properly, an’ if I’m out I have to knock for Mum to open it as I’m not old enough for a key, an’ only Mum an’ some of her friends have one.
In Mum’s bedroom, Pete’s talkin’ to her but she’s not talkin’ back. I run in. Mum’s still on the bed an’ Pete’s on top of her bouncin’ up an’ down. She looks at me. Her face is a funny colour. He’s doin’ what Jazz used to do.
‘What the fuck are you doin’ here? Didn’t I tell you to … Get out ya little perv.’
The lift’s at floor two. I run down the stairs, run fast till I’m outside.
Chapter Three
Lucy
I’d never been spun around so fast ever, and Lucy was screaming really loud. The waltzer slowed before eventually stopping and we got off laughing. Lucy said never again. I wanted to go back on but she dragged me away saying we need candyfloss. Her arm circled my shoulder as we walked through the crowded fairground searching for the food stalls. The smell of fried onions filled the air and Duran Duran played loud from speakers above the bumper cars.
She asked if I was okay, if ever I needed to talk, I could. I knew what she meant, what she was thinking. She knew all the stuff about Mum, what goes on and stuff, ‘cos she’s Mum’s best friend and knew everything. I smiled to let her know all’s good and asked for a hot dog.
I was handed mine and smothered it in mustard hoping it’s the one I liked, ‘cos there’s two types, and it’s the French one I liked the most. She asked again, am I sure I’m okay, as I bit into the hotdog. She wiped a smear off my cheek with her finger. I pulled away.
We walked past the Rockets and I pulled on her arm, telling her it’ll be amazing, that she’ll love it. She pulled on my arm, dragging me away while laughing. ‘You’re not getting me on that.’
Outside, we made our way to the bus stop. She was humming a tune; it was Duran Duran’s Planet Earth. I looked at her and laughed, ‘You can’t sing.’
‘I’m not singing.’ She gave me a shove. 'I love them, especially that Simon Le Bon, he’s soo hot.’
We sat upstairs at the back of the bus, so Lucy could smoke. The bus jerked as it moved away and windows trembled.
‘Did you enjoy it?’ She leant back, pulling me close to her, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. The fur on her coat tickled my face.
‘It was the best. Can we do it again?’
‘Most definitely. As long as you don’t make me go on that thing again.’
We sat in silence, not talking, as the bus took us home.
I’d stopped at Lucy’s before, and most times I’d stay was ‘cos Mum was having her bad days – usually ‘cos she hadn’t anything to make her feel good, or her nerves were on edge... They were on edge a lot.
Lucy made a sandwich – corned beef with mayonnaise. We sat on the sofa, in front of the TV to watch The Little House on the Prairie, ‘cos she loved it. She drew me nearer, pulling me to her side. She smelt of scent and hair spray. Her arm felt warm pressed against mine as I snuggled up licking mayonnaise off my palm.
‘Do you like staying with me?’
Her hand moved to my head and fingers twirled my curls. ‘Yeh, it’s better.’ The TV talked and flashed patterns of light across walls and carpet.
‘You know,’ she started. My curls tightened a little around her fingers. ‘You know your mum can’t help the way she is ... The way she gets.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘Well, she’s ill, Ben. You see, Sarah, she has an addiction. It’s a need, it makes people behave differently, and most times how they behave isn’t how we want them to. Do you understand?’
I nod, then shrug. Mum’s just Mum. ‘Is she gonna die?’
‘Oh sweetie, no, she’s not goin’ to die! She just has to get herself right, and she will. Don’t you fret about that. Do you remember when we all went to Stratford? We had fish ‘n’ chips and went on the rowing boats. Sarah wouldn’t come on. She was scared it’d sink! You couldn’t wait and I had a job tryin’ to get your life jacket on. Do you remember? Your brother started rockin’ the boat and you were giggling like mad. I told Pete to stop, then you joined in! I don’t know how it happened, but the next minute you were in that water with a big splash. Did we tear a strip offa him. I had to near stop your mum from killing him. We had to trek around Stratford lookin’ for a cheap clothes shop ‘cos we didn’t have a change of clothes for you.’ Lucy giggled, sending little shakes through me. ‘We found one, do you remember? We put together what we had and bought you shorts and a tee shirt. Never had enough for pumps so you had to walk about in your soggy ones. Luckily it was a hot day. I remember you walking in front of us and occasionally I’d hear this squelching from your feet.’
She giggled again, sending more shakes through me. I remembered it easily, remembered falling in and feeling all upside down and a roaring noise when I was in there. Lucy had grabbed my life jacket and hauled me back in the boat. And Mum, she slapped Pete right hard and shook him and these people were watching ... Lucy pulled Mum off him.
‘I remember. You pulled Mum off Pete.’
‘Yes, I did.’
‘Is that why he got put away in borstal?’
‘No, Darling.’
‘I lost his snake. He said he’s gonna kill me when he gets out.’
‘He won’t touch you. I won’t let him. So don’t you get worryin’. ’
‘Why is he there? Borstal? Mum never said, just said, ‘cos he’s a bad ‘un. She said if I don’t do as I’m told, they’ll lock me up too.’
‘He’s a handful. Always has been. You don’t need to know and you won’t end up in there. Just carry on being you, and you’ll be fine. You worry too much about stuff you needn’t. You have me to look out for you. Okay?’
© Copyright 2016 Christopher Tiller. All rights reserved.